you know you don't have to have a title right?

I don't really know why I logged on or what I'm going to write about. So much has happened since march. The usual drama unfolded into unusual drama. I'd say I think I'm done with it but the fact is, I can't be done with it. I've accepted that it's just part of growing up. Another part of growing up is finding out who you are and I'm proud to say that I'm getting a little closer.

I'm sick right now and I have to wonder if the sickness is coming from the inside. I lied to my parents last weak and ever since then I've been off. I know lying isn't exactly punishable by death but lying was something that I had worked very hard not to do. All my work was lost in one night. The guilt is still inside me, eating away at any possible redemption. I'm resenting more people for it, blaming them for anything I can, especially my sister who's freedom relys on my lie. I'm finding ways to fight her blaming her for bringing me down and though she had something to do with it, the fault is mine. I don't know how many more times I can cover for her. I thought I wanted to be like her, beautiful, and manipulating. But trying to be like her has currupted me.
I guess it's all good in the end. I've learned not to want the world, especially if it makes me feel like this. I'm going to make things right without manipulation or lies because that's who I am. I'm not my sister and that is the most releiving fact in the world.

I don't have time to go back and draft so if it doesn't make sense don't bother with it.

What do you think.

I'm such a slacker. It's been a while since I've written and i still can't write much right now because I'm so feakin tired. We had two basketball games today. They were sooooo much fun. well the second one was. I love church ball. There's not a single other place where you will see two teams in the middle of a group hug. I made a few more friends from the second ward, in case you don't know what that means, that's another section of our church group. I love my church and I'm proud to brag about it. I've never fit in much other than at church. It's where I feel at home. I know that sounds really cheesy and you probably don't want to hear me preach but it's a big part of my life. Alright I'm done now. The point is, I love playing basketball and I'm so glad we got to play that team. Of course I'm expecting an attack from one of the girls on the first team we played but then again she's all talk. Anyway, I'll catch you up another time. Yay times a billion for fridays. And arg times two billion for mornings (I'm not a pirate, they stole that from me after I invented the time machine, and edison might be a genius but when did his lightbulb ever smile back at him?).

Seventeen

I am officially seventeen years old. I look like I'm fourteen and I wish I was. I'm probably not going to stay with lauren. But the good news is I get to choreograph for our dance company concert. I thought i was in the mood to write here but I'm too tired. I'll say more later (hopefully). Good night.

Sorry, I just was reading through one of my blogs and I had to say something. I was wrong, and I did jinx myself. It isn't that I'm over him. It's just that I was starting to forget. BUt he was only around me for a few seconds before I remembered how I felt. I hate love. Now there's a poetic oxymoron for you. That would be another advantage to moving. If I didn't see him maybe I'd forget.

My life might drastically change within the next year and I hope it's for the better. One of my best friends invited me to live with her up in logan for my senior year. Now the only problem is convincing my parents to let me go. I'm so sick of living here. The only thing that can hold me back is Lexi, Lindsay, and lindy (I love them and will miss them very much if I go.) But I will visit once a month anyway and talk to them all the time because we have the same service provider on our phones. I just want my parents to let me go. I turn eighteen in a year and the second I graduate I'm out of here anyway. but if they let me go for a year then I'll come back and go to school at slc and they'll get me for longer but I need some time away. I'm going crazy here. I need one place where I don't have to worry about what people think. I used to have that in my neighborhood but not anymore. not since all of the stupid drama. Linds and lex have kept me alive enough to pretend to be happy to everyone else but I can't pretend for much longer. I really just want to be anywhere but here. I really just need this if I'm going to survive. I've been depressed for too long. I need it to stop and this seams like a good solution. Even Aristotle agrees. He says that the only way to find who you are is to live away from home or something along those lines. I just need some time away. I'll come back but I want some time to figure out who I am.

that's a good question

I was right. I don't want to jinx myself by saying why quiet yet but if you think for just a minute about my past blogs you'll understand why. I don't actually have much to talk about right now. Life is going at it's usual pace and you can take that to mean anything you want for all I care. I'm mostly in a carefree mood right now. That or I'm just depressed to a point of not caring anymore but who needs depression while there's ignorance. I don't really think I'm depressed. Mostly just stressed out. I have a soar throat and I can't afford to be sick. I have a six a. m. to two p.m. dance practice this saturday to get ready for the concert. I'm already tired. I've had to go to bed at seven thirty lately in order to catch up on enough sleep. I hate waking up early more than anything else in the world. Me and mornings just don't get along. I'll do it for dance though. I'm trying to find my dancer soul again. I kindof lost it. I lost a lot of things but thats a long story that would take a life time to explain. anyway, I'm goint to go try to write.

P.S. This is a shoutout to lexi, I love you tons and I appreciate you more than anything and anyone else in the world. Thanks a ton. You're brilliant, funny, witty, and just plain great. You're heart is prettier than anything I've ever seen. Thanks for being my best friend. (i know you have to put up with a lot)

waffle

I actually acted mostly normal in front of Adam today. I'm so proud of myself. Maybe I am getting over him. Or maybe it's not that I'm over him. Maybe it's just that I'm not craving for his attention every five seconds. I feel somewhat good about myself for once. My confidence is actually getting better. I don't know what caused it but I hope it lasts. I'm still not exactly happy with my life and I'm still lonely but at least I'm starting to be confident. It feels so good! I love my friends and I love that it's fall. I love the way the leaves sound when I step on them and I love the color of the trees. I love the mountains and the way they're turning pink. I love seeing the birds migrate and I could die for the sound of the wind blowing through dry leaves. I've never loved fall so much in my life. Summer is still my favorite but I feel so good right now. I hope it never ends.