never mind

Life is way too short to waste trying to think of titles.

I'm so sick of being lonely. I'm even more sick of not having guy friends. I've been a tom boy for most of my life and I'm dying having to talk to all girls. Well except for maybe Lexi, and Lindsay. But at least they lift me up intellectually. I still wish I had some sort of athletic outlet other than dance and volleyball one day a week is just not enough. I wish I were still younger. Things were so much easier back then. Life back then consisted of jumping on a skateboard and risking my life as I dropped into a half pipe, or having huge water fights inside the house and rushing to clean it up so Mom wouldn't find out. I miss being able to say anything without feeling stupid about it. I hate growing up. THe rest of the world is completely organized and I'm still lost when it comes to real life. I guess that's why I'm writing a book. Even a fake world is better than this one. I was braver when I was younger too. My fear drove me to quit gymnastics. I wish I could go back. I miss gymnastics a lot. I miss truly living instead of trying to pass it by. I hate that everyone is pushing me to be someone else. I liked who I used to be.

You know who you are.

I want just one person to see who I am,
but who I am won't let them.

It kills me that you left me here here alone,
but you stuck around in just enough time to watch me fall.
How did this change so quickly?
I'm not part of your life anymore.?
I've been exiled to uncertainty,
and now I'm stuck in the past.

I know how you feel now.
Haven't I had enough?
I don't know how much longer,
I can pretend to be tough.

This is so much worse than loosing a friend.
You're standing right in front of me,
forcing me to remember how much I really do care.

If only I knew the right things to say.
If only I knew who I was.
If only I could forget that we could still be friends.
Hope is disappointing.

I would do anything,
If you could see who I am.
I would do anything,
for you to care again.

So this week has been the most stressful week of my life (yes that is probably an exaggeration). But I am so glad it's over. Not that my stress is completely over but oh well, I'll live (hopefully). Anyway, let me tell you about the good parts of my week. I met a boy named Jacob and the ironic part (for all those twilight readers) is that he is native american. He has the prettiest green eyes that I've ever seen in my life and I kindof have a thing for green eyes. He plays guitar and he seams pretty smart so far. He's really nice. I can't wait to see him again. To be honest you would think I was crazy if you saw him. He's a little unorthodox but he's really cute in his unorthadoxness (I don't know if that's a real word) but I guess that's part of his appeal. I don't usually like the usual. I like originality. If the dance company gets word of my liking him they will probably hate me but that doesn't change much from their current state of mind. I don't care what they think in this case. He's pretty (said in an awed voice). Anyway, I'm already getting sick of writing about events so I think I'm done. Remember that (oh crap I forgot).

Same as my first blog. (yes I had to add a period at the end of that title.)

It is ten thirty despite what the posting time might say because the time zone is not set correctly. I am actually too tired to go to bed. Well actually I'm too tired to get in the shower so that I can go to bed. It's strange for me to be saying that I'm tired at ten thirty. If I can help it I usually like staying up till three or four in the morning. I love night time. It's the best time there is. My love of night time is caused mostly by the stars because I love stars more than night time but it is also caused by the fact that I am easily distracted and the best time for less distractions is when everyone else is asleep. I like things to be quiet most the time (although my version of quiet usually includes loud music of some kind though I don't really count music as noise because it's more of a peaceful or thoughtful kind of a noise instead of a disrupting one). I like being alone most the time as well (though if you read my second post you will see that I am alone even when I am with other people, (well maybe), (if you infer a little)). It bothers me more when I am alone and surrounded by people than it does when I'm just by myself. Society sees being alone as a bad thing so I feel like I'm doing something wrong when I'm alone with other people. When it's just me I don't have to care. (I know, for a nonconformist I sure care a lot about what other people think. It's just part of my nature. My nonconformity is a way of trying to force myself away from caring what people think). I like not caring, whenever it's possible for me not to care.

I lost my train of thought (not that my train didn't already fall way off the track). Tomorrow is homecoming and I'm not going. I didn't get asked as usual and as expected. One of my friends for about a billion and a half years is going with her ex boyfriend. It kind of drives me crazy the way that she has no self respect. She's gone through so many boyfriends and she doesn't even realize what she's doing. She could be a great person if she'd just realize she doesn't need a boy to hold her up. Not that I'm completely innocent considering that my lonliness has caused a large fraction of my depression but I think she's better than that to be honest. She's a brilliant person when she wakes herself up and realizes it. Oh well, the drama will pass (knock on wood). I really better get in the shower now before I A. bore you to tears and B. fall asleep at the computer desk. Have fun reading this random post. Hope it makes some sort of sense because I'm too tired to go back through and look for errors. Remember that tolerance is the key to humanity.

Lost in a sea of people? Yeah, I can relate. When have I ever fit into any group? Where have I ever been able to be in complete control of myself? How do I know who I truly am if I'm a different person in each environment? I know who I want to be but what does that matter if I can't ever break out of my cage?

It kills me that I can't speak my mind. I am stuck within myself and I wish I could be free.

What is it that makes me want to be like everyone else? Is that really what matters? Maybe being trapt is just part of who I am. But I don't want it to be. I want to be able to say and do what I want to do no matter who is watching.

I'll never get what I want. I'll continue to try but I will always be stuck. At least I can count on that. I will always be the one who doesn't fit in with the group. The quiet awkward one who just isn't normal. The real question is, will I ever exept it?