catching you up

As you can see from the poem below, I'm not over Adam yet. I don't think I ever will be. But oh well. I'll just have to accept it and move on as well as I can. I'm trying to destract myself by liking this other guy who rides my bus. His name is Jacob. He has really tan skin and green eyes that are beyond gorgous. The most I've talked to him about is music though. I want to talk to him again but I won't be able to see him till monday. School is stressing me out a lot. I'm worried about not being in concert. If I don't get my grades up I won't get to be part of it. That would suck. I don't think I'm going to do dance company next year. Dance just isn't the same when your soul is broken. I can't really dance anymore. At least not like i used to. I'm slowly getting worse as my life gets worse and so far my life isn't getting any better. I don't think I can be repaired. I think I'm stuck like this until I die. Oh well, at least I have god. He'll fix me. I know he will. I just have to be patient.

Reminiscence

Do you remember the time we thought we saw a spaceship?
Do you remember the time we walked home from school?
Do you remember the time you wrote me a poem?
I do.

Do you remember when you wore a miniskirt and it fit perfectly?
Do you remember when you snuck out at two in the morning to see me?
Do you remember when we hid from cars after curfew?
I do.

Do you remember talking across enemy lines while playing capture the flag?
Do you remember talking about music while we walked?
Do you remember talking about where we were headed in the world?
I do.

Do you remember the time you tackled me and wouldn't let me go?
Do you remember when you gave me a rose?
Do you remember talking to me on the phone?
I do.

I remember the first time I met you.
I remember the heart ashley drew around our names on her door.
I remember the way you used to look at me.

I remember the time you came over when I was sick.
I remember when you called me your best friend.
I remember the time you sat with me on the bus.

I remember the time you asked me to dance.
I remember how you were the only one who would listen to me.
I remember how you used to make fun of me for being deaf.

I remember how you were there for me when no one else was.
I remember how you always helped me when I was confused.
I remember how you were my friend when I didn't deserve it.

I remember when you said you were moving.
I remember when you apologized.
I remember when I apologized and you said you'd never hate me.

Do you?

Were you ever truly in love?
I was.

I've told myself again and again, just to let you go.
But I won't ever be able to forget.

I know there's nothing I can do.
I know it's over.
I know I've lost.
I've accepted that and I don't expect anything from you.

I'll always remember everything you did for me.
I'll always regret every moment I didn't take advantage of.

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
It's sad because
you don't know how much I love you...

Dreams

Its funny how far dreams can take me and I'm not talking about goals. I'm talking about the kind of dream you get when you're asleep. One stupid dream changed my perspective and now I can't go back. Everything was going fine until that stupid dream.,
I'll explain now. I was somewhat dating one of my best guy friends. I had fought very hard for him. I finally got him to like me again and then everything got messed up. Another one of my friends had liked me for years. He even told me he loved me once. I said some mean things to him so that he would stop liking me so that he wouldn't have to be in pain. This backfired and he stopped being my friend all together. I deserved that. What I said was uncalled for. I was perfectly fine with it. He had always creaped me out a little. But then I have a dream that I kiss him and I wake up and I have butterflies in my stomach as if it had really happened. I sit there thinking for most the night and I realize, I'm in love with him. I go over all of the stupid things I did to him in my head and I feel really bad. But then I think of my other friend. I had worked so hard to get him on my side. I thought I liked him. Was I really going to throw it all away for the other one. (okay this is getting too confusing. I'm going to use names. The one I had the dream about is named adam). Maybe it was the bypolar side of me talking but I couldn't stay with my friend while I liked adam. I couldn't like my friend anymore. Adam was all I could see and he was worth it. So I broke things off with my friend. He took it in a bad way and I mostly lost his friendship. I told adam that I liked him to find out that he was in love with my best friends cousin who also happens to be one of my best friends.

Moral of the story, don't follow your dreams unless they are real. I'm still stuck obsessing over him all because of that stupid dream. There's no way I can ever go out with him even if he did like me. I couldn't do that to lauren. She loves him just as much as I do. Hopefully more. Can't I have a dream that will set me free? Is there no one else in the world who can distract me from my thoughts about him? Can't I have a dream that convinces me that I don't like him?

I'm too tired to edit this or even read through it so I hope it makes sense. I put my heart into my writing and when it is broken so are the words.