that's a good question

I was right. I don't want to jinx myself by saying why quiet yet but if you think for just a minute about my past blogs you'll understand why. I don't actually have much to talk about right now. Life is going at it's usual pace and you can take that to mean anything you want for all I care. I'm mostly in a carefree mood right now. That or I'm just depressed to a point of not caring anymore but who needs depression while there's ignorance. I don't really think I'm depressed. Mostly just stressed out. I have a soar throat and I can't afford to be sick. I have a six a. m. to two p.m. dance practice this saturday to get ready for the concert. I'm already tired. I've had to go to bed at seven thirty lately in order to catch up on enough sleep. I hate waking up early more than anything else in the world. Me and mornings just don't get along. I'll do it for dance though. I'm trying to find my dancer soul again. I kindof lost it. I lost a lot of things but thats a long story that would take a life time to explain. anyway, I'm goint to go try to write.

P.S. This is a shoutout to lexi, I love you tons and I appreciate you more than anything and anyone else in the world. Thanks a ton. You're brilliant, funny, witty, and just plain great. You're heart is prettier than anything I've ever seen. Thanks for being my best friend. (i know you have to put up with a lot)

waffle

I actually acted mostly normal in front of Adam today. I'm so proud of myself. Maybe I am getting over him. Or maybe it's not that I'm over him. Maybe it's just that I'm not craving for his attention every five seconds. I feel somewhat good about myself for once. My confidence is actually getting better. I don't know what caused it but I hope it lasts. I'm still not exactly happy with my life and I'm still lonely but at least I'm starting to be confident. It feels so good! I love my friends and I love that it's fall. I love the way the leaves sound when I step on them and I love the color of the trees. I love the mountains and the way they're turning pink. I love seeing the birds migrate and I could die for the sound of the wind blowing through dry leaves. I've never loved fall so much in my life. Summer is still my favorite but I feel so good right now. I hope it never ends.

catching you up

As you can see from the poem below, I'm not over Adam yet. I don't think I ever will be. But oh well. I'll just have to accept it and move on as well as I can. I'm trying to destract myself by liking this other guy who rides my bus. His name is Jacob. He has really tan skin and green eyes that are beyond gorgous. The most I've talked to him about is music though. I want to talk to him again but I won't be able to see him till monday. School is stressing me out a lot. I'm worried about not being in concert. If I don't get my grades up I won't get to be part of it. That would suck. I don't think I'm going to do dance company next year. Dance just isn't the same when your soul is broken. I can't really dance anymore. At least not like i used to. I'm slowly getting worse as my life gets worse and so far my life isn't getting any better. I don't think I can be repaired. I think I'm stuck like this until I die. Oh well, at least I have god. He'll fix me. I know he will. I just have to be patient.

Reminiscence

Do you remember the time we thought we saw a spaceship?
Do you remember the time we walked home from school?
Do you remember the time you wrote me a poem?
I do.

Do you remember when you wore a miniskirt and it fit perfectly?
Do you remember when you snuck out at two in the morning to see me?
Do you remember when we hid from cars after curfew?
I do.

Do you remember talking across enemy lines while playing capture the flag?
Do you remember talking about music while we walked?
Do you remember talking about where we were headed in the world?
I do.

Do you remember the time you tackled me and wouldn't let me go?
Do you remember when you gave me a rose?
Do you remember talking to me on the phone?
I do.

I remember the first time I met you.
I remember the heart ashley drew around our names on her door.
I remember the way you used to look at me.

I remember the time you came over when I was sick.
I remember when you called me your best friend.
I remember the time you sat with me on the bus.

I remember the time you asked me to dance.
I remember how you were the only one who would listen to me.
I remember how you used to make fun of me for being deaf.

I remember how you were there for me when no one else was.
I remember how you always helped me when I was confused.
I remember how you were my friend when I didn't deserve it.

I remember when you said you were moving.
I remember when you apologized.
I remember when I apologized and you said you'd never hate me.

Do you?

Were you ever truly in love?
I was.

I've told myself again and again, just to let you go.
But I won't ever be able to forget.

I know there's nothing I can do.
I know it's over.
I know I've lost.
I've accepted that and I don't expect anything from you.

I'll always remember everything you did for me.
I'll always regret every moment I didn't take advantage of.

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
It's sad because
you don't know how much I love you...

Dreams

Its funny how far dreams can take me and I'm not talking about goals. I'm talking about the kind of dream you get when you're asleep. One stupid dream changed my perspective and now I can't go back. Everything was going fine until that stupid dream.,
I'll explain now. I was somewhat dating one of my best guy friends. I had fought very hard for him. I finally got him to like me again and then everything got messed up. Another one of my friends had liked me for years. He even told me he loved me once. I said some mean things to him so that he would stop liking me so that he wouldn't have to be in pain. This backfired and he stopped being my friend all together. I deserved that. What I said was uncalled for. I was perfectly fine with it. He had always creaped me out a little. But then I have a dream that I kiss him and I wake up and I have butterflies in my stomach as if it had really happened. I sit there thinking for most the night and I realize, I'm in love with him. I go over all of the stupid things I did to him in my head and I feel really bad. But then I think of my other friend. I had worked so hard to get him on my side. I thought I liked him. Was I really going to throw it all away for the other one. (okay this is getting too confusing. I'm going to use names. The one I had the dream about is named adam). Maybe it was the bypolar side of me talking but I couldn't stay with my friend while I liked adam. I couldn't like my friend anymore. Adam was all I could see and he was worth it. So I broke things off with my friend. He took it in a bad way and I mostly lost his friendship. I told adam that I liked him to find out that he was in love with my best friends cousin who also happens to be one of my best friends.

Moral of the story, don't follow your dreams unless they are real. I'm still stuck obsessing over him all because of that stupid dream. There's no way I can ever go out with him even if he did like me. I couldn't do that to lauren. She loves him just as much as I do. Hopefully more. Can't I have a dream that will set me free? Is there no one else in the world who can distract me from my thoughts about him? Can't I have a dream that convinces me that I don't like him?

I'm too tired to edit this or even read through it so I hope it makes sense. I put my heart into my writing and when it is broken so are the words.

never mind

Life is way too short to waste trying to think of titles.

I'm so sick of being lonely. I'm even more sick of not having guy friends. I've been a tom boy for most of my life and I'm dying having to talk to all girls. Well except for maybe Lexi, and Lindsay. But at least they lift me up intellectually. I still wish I had some sort of athletic outlet other than dance and volleyball one day a week is just not enough. I wish I were still younger. Things were so much easier back then. Life back then consisted of jumping on a skateboard and risking my life as I dropped into a half pipe, or having huge water fights inside the house and rushing to clean it up so Mom wouldn't find out. I miss being able to say anything without feeling stupid about it. I hate growing up. THe rest of the world is completely organized and I'm still lost when it comes to real life. I guess that's why I'm writing a book. Even a fake world is better than this one. I was braver when I was younger too. My fear drove me to quit gymnastics. I wish I could go back. I miss gymnastics a lot. I miss truly living instead of trying to pass it by. I hate that everyone is pushing me to be someone else. I liked who I used to be.

You know who you are.

I want just one person to see who I am,
but who I am won't let them.

It kills me that you left me here here alone,
but you stuck around in just enough time to watch me fall.
How did this change so quickly?
I'm not part of your life anymore.?
I've been exiled to uncertainty,
and now I'm stuck in the past.

I know how you feel now.
Haven't I had enough?
I don't know how much longer,
I can pretend to be tough.

This is so much worse than loosing a friend.
You're standing right in front of me,
forcing me to remember how much I really do care.

If only I knew the right things to say.
If only I knew who I was.
If only I could forget that we could still be friends.
Hope is disappointing.

I would do anything,
If you could see who I am.
I would do anything,
for you to care again.

So this week has been the most stressful week of my life (yes that is probably an exaggeration). But I am so glad it's over. Not that my stress is completely over but oh well, I'll live (hopefully). Anyway, let me tell you about the good parts of my week. I met a boy named Jacob and the ironic part (for all those twilight readers) is that he is native american. He has the prettiest green eyes that I've ever seen in my life and I kindof have a thing for green eyes. He plays guitar and he seams pretty smart so far. He's really nice. I can't wait to see him again. To be honest you would think I was crazy if you saw him. He's a little unorthodox but he's really cute in his unorthadoxness (I don't know if that's a real word) but I guess that's part of his appeal. I don't usually like the usual. I like originality. If the dance company gets word of my liking him they will probably hate me but that doesn't change much from their current state of mind. I don't care what they think in this case. He's pretty (said in an awed voice). Anyway, I'm already getting sick of writing about events so I think I'm done. Remember that (oh crap I forgot).

Same as my first blog. (yes I had to add a period at the end of that title.)

It is ten thirty despite what the posting time might say because the time zone is not set correctly. I am actually too tired to go to bed. Well actually I'm too tired to get in the shower so that I can go to bed. It's strange for me to be saying that I'm tired at ten thirty. If I can help it I usually like staying up till three or four in the morning. I love night time. It's the best time there is. My love of night time is caused mostly by the stars because I love stars more than night time but it is also caused by the fact that I am easily distracted and the best time for less distractions is when everyone else is asleep. I like things to be quiet most the time (although my version of quiet usually includes loud music of some kind though I don't really count music as noise because it's more of a peaceful or thoughtful kind of a noise instead of a disrupting one). I like being alone most the time as well (though if you read my second post you will see that I am alone even when I am with other people, (well maybe), (if you infer a little)). It bothers me more when I am alone and surrounded by people than it does when I'm just by myself. Society sees being alone as a bad thing so I feel like I'm doing something wrong when I'm alone with other people. When it's just me I don't have to care. (I know, for a nonconformist I sure care a lot about what other people think. It's just part of my nature. My nonconformity is a way of trying to force myself away from caring what people think). I like not caring, whenever it's possible for me not to care.

I lost my train of thought (not that my train didn't already fall way off the track). Tomorrow is homecoming and I'm not going. I didn't get asked as usual and as expected. One of my friends for about a billion and a half years is going with her ex boyfriend. It kind of drives me crazy the way that she has no self respect. She's gone through so many boyfriends and she doesn't even realize what she's doing. She could be a great person if she'd just realize she doesn't need a boy to hold her up. Not that I'm completely innocent considering that my lonliness has caused a large fraction of my depression but I think she's better than that to be honest. She's a brilliant person when she wakes herself up and realizes it. Oh well, the drama will pass (knock on wood). I really better get in the shower now before I A. bore you to tears and B. fall asleep at the computer desk. Have fun reading this random post. Hope it makes some sort of sense because I'm too tired to go back through and look for errors. Remember that tolerance is the key to humanity.

Lost in a sea of people? Yeah, I can relate. When have I ever fit into any group? Where have I ever been able to be in complete control of myself? How do I know who I truly am if I'm a different person in each environment? I know who I want to be but what does that matter if I can't ever break out of my cage?

It kills me that I can't speak my mind. I am stuck within myself and I wish I could be free.

What is it that makes me want to be like everyone else? Is that really what matters? Maybe being trapt is just part of who I am. But I don't want it to be. I want to be able to say and do what I want to do no matter who is watching.

I'll never get what I want. I'll continue to try but I will always be stuck. At least I can count on that. I will always be the one who doesn't fit in with the group. The quiet awkward one who just isn't normal. The real question is, will I ever exept it?

I hate titles

Today I set up this blogging sight (I have no idea if blogging has two g's, you'd think I'd know since I'm a writer but I don't). My best friend Lexi helped me set it up. She is new to my neighborhood. I know this is already sounding monotonous but what can I say, that's what happens when you get up at five o'clock in the morning to dance for four hours strait, come home grab a snack and go dance somewhere else (or get locked out of the church where you're supposed to be dancing). I'm having major writers block as you might be able to tell so I'll explain about the locked out thing later (don't count on that, I have the memory of a goldfish sometimes). Anyway, my friend Lexi only has a few more minutes to hang out so I better start being a semi-good host and pay attention to her instead of this computer. Goodbye any readers out there. Sorry for all the perenthesis (I couldn't think of anything to really put in here so I'm typing random things). Have a great day (I hate mornings!)